It's out there: the perfect hand-held, snack-size, mass produced fruit pie.
And I am committed (some would say, "should be committed") to finding it.
While an amateur review had been underway for quite some time, the methodical and scientific analysis began on July 14,1998. I personally purchased and consumed all of the pies rated in this on-going study in order to ensure consistency of testing and to avoid the tampering with this prestigious endevour by any snack-food company.
Each pie will be rated twice; once hot and once cold. I decided on this format for a number of reasons. The main one being that it gave me an excuse to eat twice as many pies. Also, so long as Society's infrastructure maintains its current level of sophistication, warmed fruit pies are a right and a privilege we can all enjoy. But, once the penguins rise up and enslave humanity the survivors are going to want to know which pies taste best cold as you huddle in abandoned wells and farmhouses while their new Masters waddle the streets (oops, I have no idea why I thought that).
Additional precautions included (but were not limited to):
- No stock was purchased or held in any of the rated companies
(note: this does not include potential indirect holdings as a result of Eric's 401K) - A standard fourteen (14) second microwave heating time was used for all "hot" reviews
- Pies used in "cold" reviews were placed in my upper-left desk drawer for
a minimum of four (4) hours prior to consumption
The Rating System
| Hot |  |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| Cold |  |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| I want my money back |
It won't kill you |
Baseline pie |
Now, that's tasty |
Can I get these by the case? |
Ratings and Comments
| Brand Name | Flavor/ Price |
Rating/ Calories |
Comments |
|---|---|---|---|
| Albertsons | Cherry 20¢ |
 Calories: 270 Fat: Cal: 110 |
Where did all the filling go? The cold pie was nearly empty. What was inside had the look of hard gelatin, but was stringy like some kind of demented taffy. The cherries had an unpleasant chewy quality; similar to poorly cooked escargot. I wouldn't offer this pie to ... well, anybody no matter how much I disliked them The hot pie was more acceptable, but still sub-par. The look of the filling improved with heating. It appeared to have cherry pieces in it though I couldn't feel them in my mouth and did not taste a difference. About half-way through the pie a strange bitter taste began to build up. It was only because I am a true scientist who is devoted to the advancement of knowledge that I was able to finish this pie. Save yourself, avoid this patry, avoid my fate. |
| Albertsons | Pineapple 20¢ |
Calories: 270 Fat: Cal: 110 |
I'm going to have to take their word for it that this was a "pineapple" pie. There was an abundance of filling. However, the yellow-tinted, chunk-filled concoction had absolutely no flavor. As a cold pie, you would think that this would automatically drop it to "no stars" status. But, I'm going to give it three stars because the crust was in good shape, there was none of the nasty aftertaste that so many other pies have, and I experienced a pleasent sugar-rush. |
| Carnival Cruise Lines |
Apple $2,000+ |
Calories: ? Fat: Cal: ? |
Ok, this pie costs so much because it came with a 4-day cruise for a family of 4 aboard the Carnival Ecstasy cruise ship. I was completely surpised to see these in the lunch buffet. And they were, quite simply, the best pies I've ever had. Just to make sure... I had four of them in a row. So I guess the actually cost about $500/each. The outer crust was dry and firm with a thick coating of sugar and cinamon. The filling was plentiful (a good 80% of the interior space) and consisted of large tart chunks of apple in a slightly sweet filling. I deeply regret not grabbing the entire tray and making a run for my cabin. |
| Home Run | Apple 20¢ |
 Calories: 280 Fat: Cal: 110 |
The cold pie was completely full of filling which had a light apple taste and contained a few small chunks of apple. The pastry shell was firm. |
| Home Run | Cherry 20¢ |
Calories: 280 Fat: Cal: 100 |
One nasty pie. The cold pie was almost half empty. Which was actually a blessing, since the filling was bitter and had a distinct chemical aftertaste. |
| Hostess | Cherry 85¢ |
Calories: 470 Fat: Cal: 200 |
This is one heavy pie weighing in at 4.5 ounces (which is probably why the calories are so high, yikes!).
What the filling lacked in visual appeal, it made up for in taste. The syrup was frightfully red and fairly tastless,
but the cherries were tasty and still had a nice plumpness about them. The initial rating of four-and-a-half stars was brought down due to the excessive price. Sure, that was probably due to the fact that this particular pie was purchased from a vending machine. But it's my web-page, I get to make the rules. |
| Lucky | Apple 20¢ |
Calories: 280 Fat: Cal: 110 |
This is one good pie when it's warm. Nice thick crust held up well to heating and was slightly sweet.
The filling was plentiful, had an excellent "apple" tast and contained many crisp chunks of fruit.
The cold pie was still good but a bit disappointing. While all the apple slices were very crisp, the filling had much less flavor. Instead of apple, we tasted sugar. |
| Lucky | Berry 20¢ |
Calories: 290 Fat: Cal: 110 |
The cold pie was extremely difficult to eat. The shell cracked excesively, leaving the reviewer
with a difficult to manage mess. The filling was plentiful, but bordered on the bitter. The warm was much better. The heat melted the sweet frosting which offset the tang of the filling. Still had some problems with the crust, but not anywhere near as much as with the cold pie. A minute or two after finishing the pie, we experienced a nasty bit of heart-burn. Further experiments will need to be performed to see if it was the pie or the chinese food we had for lunch. |
| Lucky | Cherry 20¢ |
  Calories: 280 Fat: Cal: 110 |
Do not look at the filling! It looks like something from a cheap science-fiction movie.
The sort of goo that would ooze out of an asteroid, eat some poor farmer out looking for
his lost chicken and then go on to almost take over the world, only to be stopped at the last
moment by some maveric, square-jawed scientist that nobody (except for the President's stunningly
beautiful secretary) listened to throughout the first 90 minutes of the film. The hot pie tasted ok, not too sweet. But, there wasn't much cherry taste to it. The cold pie was just as boring. |
| Lucky | Vanilla Pudding 20¢ |
Calories: 280 Fat: Cal: 120 |
Ok, go ahead and point out that "vanilla pudding" is, in no way, a fruit. We agree. However, it's sold with all the other pies so we went ahead and included it. And we're glad we did. The cold pie was very good. The shell was soft and held together well. The filling was very sweet and refreshing. At first, we were a little upset that the filling only took up 1/2 of the interior, but then we realized that more would have probably been too much to take (and would probably bounce the calories through the roof). |
| Safeway | Apple 20¢ |
Calories: 280 Fat: Cal: 110 |
I must have got an old pie to use for the hot test. The crust was very dry and the filling seems to have evaporated away. The filling was gummy and, after just a couple of small bites, all I was left with was crust. |
| Safeway | Berry (Blackberry) 20¢ |
Calories: 290 Fat: Cal: 110 |
The cold pie looked rather small but was completely full of the dark, slightly tart filling. The thick crust held together nicely. Strangely, most if the seeds in the filling were huddled together in one spot. While this made the rest of the pie quite fun to eat, that particular bite was like eating the left-over kernals at the bottom of a box of popcorn. That definitely dimished the joy of the experience. |